too tired to form sentences.

1) Why do humans express themselves? It's not just for communication is it? Writing in a [private] diary is a form of expression too, is it not?

2) Why are we judgemental

3) just because you like talking to someone doesn't mean they feel the same way. It's quite uh, sad but I'm over it. Don't know what to feel about it, shall just accept that as a fact. X thinks I'm not good enough and I think Y is not good enough, for the same reasons.

4) I glared at the dude next to me today cause I thought he asked a really dumb question. But my teacher answered it just like how he handled any question. Then I realised why I'm so afraid of asking questions in a classroom environment.

By being vulnerable (showing our truest self, not hiding anything) we're not only prone to others' judgement, it's not as simple as that. Friendships might be at stake. Sometimes I feel like I'm better and choose not to talk to them (luckily I can only think of one person whom I treat this way). Trying to not be like that, it's such a terrible terrible thing to do. I will not hide my true self under any circumstance. And to not be afraid to do so, I must stop judging. As 'pathetic' as people say they are.
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Loneliness.

Carl Jung says "loneliness does not come from having no people around one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible".

I haven't been communicating for the sake of: 1) wanting to (forcing myself to) experience and enjoy companionable silence, 2) having an excuse for my asocial behaviour, inability to share my views with others as of late.

(One must first understand my fear of silence when I'm with another. I feel silence is a gage of level of closeness, the amount of ideas/feelings two can communicate to each other)

I have lost my ability to communicate with others and allowed myself to not be engaged in conversations with others at all, thinking, 'it's okay, silence is okay'. Let myself slip into the 'asocial mode' and tell them 'yeah, don't feel like talking today'. Is silence really okay? Is it a sign of disrespect? Even with my closest friend, I don't like it all that much. I'd rather be alone.

I was extremely silent, lost in my own world. Didn't show my friend respect by checking my phone constantly, disengaged. Before we met, there were many things I wanted to ask. Not when I was in front of him. And also the very last day I met up with sarah, though we felt ok because we could normally talk.

It's so difficult to communicate ideas, thoughts, feelings. Expressing is easy, but communication is not. My thoughts are only revealed here, and when i am with sarah. these days, at least. but she is overseas. and lately, I haven't been expressing myself enough to let others know what i am thinking and reach out to me. (Really appreciated those who reached out to me). There's a question left unanswered: why am I so afraid to ask people personal questions about themselves?

I've been lonely these days. So much to say, but no one to say it to. It's not others' fault. I just feel like I can't talk to anyone without feeling selfish, self-absorbed. I can't contribute to anybody's life right now, can't afford to hang out with them often. If I want someone to talk to, it's this need to share my thoughts like carl jung said. It's similar to ranting, just not emotional ranting. It's not fair to them because they are busy to and I can't always receive from others without giving.

I'm bad at communicating and might end up merely expressing myself and that isn't desirable. it's better that I keep to myself isn't it. people like spending time with their friends, to engage in intellectual discussions, not listen to rants.

I don't want to be ranting about life to my friend who might be feeling alone herself. I don't want my other friend to feel made use of. And my other friend who is going through the same thing as I am. And I haven't been comfortable talking to anybody else.

My friend said the reason why we communicate is because we are social animals and there is no answer to that. Right now, I am expressing myself to nobody in particular and it feels better to type all these out to my blog because I just need to be clear of what I am thinking, and get things out of my system. Doing this because I can't communicate and can only express.

My heart will not be still. Tried forcing myself to concentrate but I can't. I hope I'll feel better after this and dive right back into my books.

Loneliness. Carl Jung says "loneliness does not come from having no people around one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible".

I have forgotten about the true meaning of companionship. These days, I tell myself to be satisfied with the presence of having a few around me, convinced myself that I can enjoy comfortable, companionable silence with another. So convinced am I, that I made myself practice it to 'feel' the greatness it can bring. I have lost my ability to communicate with others and allowed myself to not be engaged in conversations with others at all, thinking, 'it's okay silence is okay'

I've been lonely these days. There is no one I can talk to without feeling I am being self centered, self absorbed.

Feels as though I've just lost a war. The contrast between dreams (re: last night's dream) and reality.

We watched crazy stupid love. Date shall be kept a mystery, only two know when. Maybe last month or today or a week before I don't know when. It tainted my ideals on love (not so much of the ending). Sometimes I don't know if we're living in an age where our ideas/ideals are too influenced by these things we watch. Who comes up with these storylines. For a moment I almost gave in to the thought of seeking temporary relief from physical comfort (according to the show, the pg13 kind). I remember our conversation about the fear of 'settling' for less. I sat there, felt lost. He said, "what a loser" when a character said he was still finding out if he's ready for marriage. I didn't find the insecurity in that guy particularly loserish. Maybe it's just me. I still liked the movie though. Maybe not so much of the movie itsef but the themes involved and it made me think about what I want. I felt a little less empty today. And I liked the company. Even though I'm not so sure if worked the other way round. I don't feel like talking to anyone today. But that'll bore people. So I ended up doing weird things. And said bye. Tomorrow will be a new day. Start of a new month.

The heart, it won't be still
Paranoia paranoia, why did I sense the mood drop?
Guilty conscience. revealed a black heart.
and we part ways, goodbye. (Not goodbye, goodbye)
Just as easily as the physical act of meeting.

Pumping muscle just will not be still even today.

It was nice to be able to let go. Yesterday wasn't too meaningful but comfortable.

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so dead.

I've been listening to John Mayer's songs all day & night because I downloaded several albums and I'm loving them.

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If anybody loves Norah Jones as much as I do :)

Norah Jones & John Mayer - Don't know why/Your Body is a wonderland (absolutely smooth transition..!)

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Neon

The Heart of Life

Vultures

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

Dreaming with a Broken Heart

Daughters

And this is my favourite one:

Comfortable

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AND THIS. THIS. THIS MAKES YOUR HEART SOARRRRR

Joe Hisaishi with New Japan Philharmonic Dream world Orchestra - Laputa suite (live)

They say you have to become a robot while doing your A's. Look at this space, I've become half robotic.

Still not a hard working, productive, efficient robot for I daydream so much of my time away but at least my mind's set to being a robot. There is exactly two months left, i feel like I only have one. There is so much to do, so much for this incoherent mind to handle. I think I'm not naturally suited for this system for my thoughts are not as linear.

But I'm going to do it anyway. Someone tell me two months is enough. Tell me it is enough, tell me I can structure my thoughts the way they want me to in two months. They are still all over the place.

There are many changes in my life right now, my friend is leaving and my dad is coming home for good in just two days. The house will be much noisier, there'll be less private space, more control... well all wise men say "we take whatever they throw at us". As much as I dislike motivational quotes, they make sense.

let this place die for now. it shall become a ranting place.

i found a reason to dislike living at home alone - having to remove cockroach corpses. and doing all the laundry and dishwashing and cooking and floor washing.

a very silly thought - i want to leave and have an excuse for being alone. That aside, it'd really be nice to experience life somewhere else, if only we had the means to. So many people are going to study abroad. I wouldn't mind canada where Ada is. Well, if only.

John Mayer - Stop this train

yesterday/today was, i feel, simple and nice. 20 didn't feel long at all.

we'll be exchanging pins and conversing with buttons soon.

short sentences are enough to remind me of things i want to remember,

things that are close to our hearts, linked to our minds will not be forgotten.

Talk and silence or i will not be still

Talk, silence me, or i will not be still.
Time is ticking, please, i need to be still

we'll be slow dancing in a burning room and be comfortable.

soon we'll get each other's pins and converse through tiny buttons.

i'm just exaggerating. just saying, to shut nosy people up.

we should eject the disc at the best part of the song like little dude did,

the song i've been playing on the keys these days.

it's okay to remember that the song was nice even though it ended halfway,

but not if you know there'll be an end. i know this one has an end.

it's not exactly my favourite genre, enjoying it because there aren't any songs available in the jukebox, i guess..

it'll shuffle to the next beautiful song, shuffle till i find the right one that will go on, and on, and on, and on, and on.

Ephemeral

You're like an ephemeral stream.
One that appears often. And disappears.

I'll drink from it while i can, let the taste linger when i can't.